On Thursday, we'll bury my Grams.
I flew from San Jose to Denver with the boys last night. Flying with three preschoolers is never not an adventure. After a loud and lengthy discussion of the ways various body parts felt ticklish during the altitude changes on our way up, I brought out my laptop and found the inflight free TV channel, then realized I didn't have any headphones.
"Sorry guys," I broke the news. "We can watch but we won't be able to hear anything."
"Oh, that's ok Mom," replied B. "You can just read the words (i.e. closed captions) to us."
Side note: I might be hard-of-hearing or maybe just a word person, but my kids think closed captioning is the way movies are made because I always need them on to understand what's happening.
Turns out the free in-flight TV service didn't have closed captions so I just had to make up narratives whole cloth as we watched Deadliest Catch, Animal Cribs, Cake Boss and exerpts of Shark Week. I'm sure the people sitting around us were riveted by my explanations for why those guys were sending crabs down tiny slides in a snow storm.
Today is my birthday.
I woke up with the sun, the way I often do in an unfamiliar bed. The older two slept on, but the baby cried out for me so I snatched him out of his crib, pulling him into bed with me. As I held his squishy body, breathing in the intoxicating smell of laundered pajamas and baby shampoo, he looked at me and began to sing "Skid-a-mar-inky-dinky-dink, Skid-a-mar-inky-do, I love you."
A heavy joy filled my chest, the ache of knowing a moment is totally delicious, an answer to 100 prayers, a gift and, at the same time, not mine to keep. I'm only five years into this parenting gig and I already deeply feel the always changing reality that babies become toddlers become preschoolers become... Cue Circle of Life. Pretty soon my little Simba will be ruling the pridelands and these sweet songs during morning cuddles will be no more.
At 36 I might be middle aged. I told my friend Kay that this morning and she sent me this:
So maybe not middle aged. ;)
But in the middle, unlike Grams whose story is over. And that sweet baby whose has only just begun. No spring chicken but hoping for miles to go before I sleep. Not literally. I would like to sleep again within the next mile or two, lest anyone think my birthday wish is miles of physical exercise. I like those people. I am married to one. But I'm just hoping for kung pao chicken and a nap right after.
Here in the middle today, I find myself welled up with gratitude. I love that this life of not-enough-sleep, constant lego-induced foot injuries, and physics jokes I don't understand is mine. It's better than I could have imagined. Also I am actually going to get my kung pao chicken/nap birthday wish come true. How rad.
I want more though. I'm surprised by that. I guess I thought that at 36 I wouldn't still be nodding along to Belle as she belts "I want adventure in great wide somewhere, I want it more than I can tell..." But yeah, man, for once it might be grand to have someone understand I want so much more than they've got planned...
You get it.
There are still dreams to chase and goals to meet and a daily sense that so much life is yet to be lived. It's exciting to realize I can still decide what I want to be when I grow up. It's also scary.
I've spent a lot of the last year feeling afraid.
Afraid of what's happening in the world.
Afraid of Chris' not getting a job offer.
Afraid of taking the wrong job when it was offered.
Afraid of not having enough money.
Afraid of writing anything in public because what if I change my mind later? What if I do more harm than good?
Afraid of taking a next step toward a ministry job because what if it's the "wrong" one, whatever that means.
Afraid that I'm not doing the mom thing well. Or the wife thing. Or the friend thing. Or...
Today, at 36, I want to be afraid of other things.
Of not telling stories that should be told.
Of not being honest when truth is called for.
Of not enjoying today because I'm worried about tomorrow.
Of not being present in my relationships because they aren't perfect.
Of not listening to the Spirit's invitation to keep dreaming.
“The grace of God means something like: Here is your life. You might never have been, but you are because the party wouldn't have been complete without you.” ― Frederick Buechner
This year the party looks like starting fresh and letting go and grieving and rejoicing and not being afraid. Also Snoopy makes an appearance.
And the ocean.
Because I only get one life and in mine I pay California taxes so I'm going to for sure get my money's worth of beach days.
Here's to the middle, friends.